New Year’s Eve


(Sung to the tune of “Same Auld Lang Syne”, by Dan Fogleberg)

Took one last trip into the megaplex                                                                         
Before ’11 up and le-eaves                                                                                           
Told the girl who sold the tickets there                                                                             
“I’ll take one for New Year’s Eve”

I got a soda and I found a seat                                                                                      
The theatre’s packed what can I dooo…?                                                                          
I really wish that people had more taste.                                                                       
The Descendants! Theatre two!

The movie started and I tried to count                                                                           
The silly plotlines flying byyyyy                                                                                           
I tried my best but I could not keep up                                                                               
I lost track at twenty-five…

Each was stupid and complete nonsense.                                                                    
These things don’t happen in real liiife…                                                                           
It didn’t seem as though the theatre cared                                                               
They all laughed, and I just cried.

This movie’s %&$#ing vacuous, it’s empty and it’s dumb!                                               
Its lame attempts at “soulfulness”… left me feeling numb…

Heigl, Kutcher, Berry, Pfeiffer, Biel.                                                                                    
Breslin, Parker, Broderick toooo…                                                                                
And if you think that sounds like overkill,                                                                        
I’m not halfway %&$#ing through!

But here’s a riddle that I couldn’t solve,                                                                        
And I don’t say this in je-est…                                                                                      
How could it be that in this “Actorfest”                                                                           
Jon Bon Jovi did the best?!

Now I’ll admit there was a laugh or two                                                                         
The movie IS two hours loooong                                                                                   
But if you judged it by my audience,                                                                             
This was Cheech and %&$#ing Chong!

This movie’s %&$#ing vacuous, it’s empty and it’s dumb!                                               
Its lame attempts at “soulfulness”… left me feeling numb…

This movie’s %&$#ing vacuous, its shallow and it’s trite!                                                
At points it made me really wish… I’d brought some cyanide…

And so the movie was a painful thing                                                                            
Not just itself, but for the cro-owd…                                                                                   
It was obvious they didn’t care                                                                                      
But I wanted to scream out!

HOW COULD DE NIRO SELL US OUT LIKE THIS?!                                                   
The man was Vito Corleoooone….                                                                                   
But the audience was into it,                                                                                          
My good taste…  made me…  a-lone….

(Sax Outro)


20 thoughts on “New Year’s Eve

  1. [voice=McKenzieBros]That right there… is a thing of beauty, man. I think it ranks up there with, like, Stairway to Heaven.[/voice]

    Brilliant job, and I’m impressed you were able to work a review into the song like that. Your lines seem to be a bit broken up right now (formatting glitch), but I was able to figure it out.

    Happy new year, man.

  2. Thanks for all your entertaining efforts this year. I hope you’re very pleased about it all, I know I am. Have a very Happy New Year and GO GIANTS!

  3. Haha. Well, Happy New Year?! Haha. Thanks for taking the bullet on this one. Too bad u had to end 2011 on that note but there’s better films to come. It seems the more actors there are in a film lately increases the level of the films’ suckiness. Ha.

  4. Ahaaha awesome way to review a movie Dan! You never cease to amaze me. No way I ever give this a watch, it looks horrendous.

    Happy new year good sir 🙂

    • It’s so vapid.

      In this movie’s world, New Years Eve is freaking magic. Everything that happens is ridiculous…


      Anyways, glad you enjoyed 😀 And have a happy new year yourself buddy!!

  5. Hilarious review! Creative as usual…..I decided to heed your advice and not make the husband suffer through it. I am sure he would thank you if he could…..

    A happy healthy, safe, and blessed new year to you my friend!

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