Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

“Silent Hill: Revelation 3D”.

A string of stupefyingly meaningless acts, perpetuated by ridiculously designed monsters against poorly acted and scripted characters, frequently interspersed with expository dreck intended to communicate an inane mythology.

Horrifying in all the wrong ways.

It’s honestly going to pain me to summarize this nonsense. I’ll keep it high level, seeing as it’s all gobbledygook anyways.

Heather (Adelaide Clemens) and her father (Sean Bean) move from town to town and live under assumed identities. They’re trying to evade an evil cult that wants to return Heather to the town of Silent Hill. The residents of Silent Hill once burned a young girl as a witch, but she survived, cursing the town with an ashen darkness. Now they’re convinced that Heather holds the key to removing the curse.

The cult abducts her father, which leads her to return to Silent Hill. Along the way she discovers that not only did the girl, Alessa, curse the town with darkness, apparently she also created some kind of subpocket of hellish alternate reality which now exists within the town. Once there, Heather encounters a variety of freakish creatures. There’s a giant spider made of mannequin limbs, ass-faced nurses, gas mask wearing guards, and, of course, pyramid head… the wielder of a giant scythe who sports an oblong, pyramid-shaped head.

None of them make much sense, but there’s not much else here that does either, in spite of the fact that the film is absolutely filled with characters explaining what’s going on. Heather’s father, the boy that helps her (Kit Harington), Alessa’s mother (Deborah Kara Unger), and even Malcolm McDowell, who shows up midway through the movie to add to the mountain of exposition. They all impart the story behind the town, what happened to Alessa, how Heather ties into it all, how Alessa could be defeated, what the cult wants to do, what her father’s backstory is, how to save money on your car insurance, on and on and on. On top of which, it’s all junk. There’s amulets and curses and witches and cults and gods and demons… a wide-ranging multitude of ridiculous details.

This film does not earn my patented “split grade”. As opposed to the recent “Resident Evil: Something or Other”, “Silent Hill” seems to take itself seriously. The creature designs, while not actually frightening, are obviously intended to be horrific. The mythology is so dense that someone at some point thought people would want to pay attention to it. It made it difficult to laugh at it when it was taking itself seriously. I never once felt it ventured into “so bad it’s good” territory, it stayed squarely in the “bad”. I had no fun with it at all.

Between the laughable attempts at frightening character design, the convoluted mythology and the completely meaningless action sequences, I found “Silent Hill: Revelation” to be a chore. Its most positive attribute is that it’s short (94 min).


19 thoughts on “Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

  1. Funny! This was going to be the second movie in my Friday double feature but after Cloud Atlas I decided I didn’t want to see another! Lucky me I guess! 🙂

  2. Nice write up. I think you hit the major points of the film. However, I did enjoy the movie itself. Maybe its the fact that I like horror/ghost films, maybe I just don’t get to go out a lot to the flicks. Either way I liked the flick. Yes, it was not scary to say the least, yes the monsters were not that great, with the exception of the spider dude. I thought that was pretty cool. And yes the story/plot was lacking. But all in all I like it.

    Oh happy holloween.

    • Happy Halloweeeen, Nelllson. And it’s almost thanksgiving, so Happy New Year…

      Glad you enjoyed it. I never begrudge people enjoying a movie. I will say that it would be a tough, tough tough movie to actually advocate though. Its one thing to say you enjoyed it for yourself, its another to argue that its good…

      Not that you are. I hear you. But objectively, I’m betting even you’d have to admit it was pretty bad.

  3. Wow. The bullet. I… actually am not all that surprised, except that you’re generally less willing to break it out than I am. I had the feeling that this would be “the same, but worse” with regards to the original film. I watched that last year as part of my Halloween Haunters, and gave it a very generous 2 pumpkins. Suffice to say, not a good film.

    I’ll link my review of the first one below. Not that you’ll have any interest in watching the film (and I strongly recommend you don’t), but you might find the review amusing.

    • LOL. There’s always fun to be had in a bad review, I think.

      Meanwhile though, I had no fun with the moie itself at all. Not only do I hesitate to completely fail movies, but if I have fun with a bad movie, I also award the “Split Grade”.

      No such luck here on either count. Horrible in all regards, and not recommendable in any way. 😦

  4. Yikes…I take it this film is nowhere on anyone’s top horror movie list, eh? I like scary stuff that makes you laugh but stop wanting to snack at the same time (Resident Evil, anyone?).

    Thanks for the warning on this one, Fogs!

    • This is nowehere near Resident Evil’s fun quotient, Liv. I had been HOPING for that, but this was an insufferable bore.

      I dont know, maybe in a better mood or something I might have laughed, because it IS ridiculous. But it didn’t appeal to me on any level. 😦

  5. I have always confused Silent Hills with The Hills Have Eyes….but just for the sake of saying…The Hills Have Eyes crept me and it was really gross, I wasn’t able to eat meat for a whole month else I vomit haha…and I swear to myself I’ll never watch a movie like that again 😛

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