Too Much Twilight to Take?: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

Breaking DawnAlright. Little breather. No joke, this is getting tough. Watching these crappy ass movies, blogging as fast as I can… feeling a little drained here, and I still have two movies left.

My worst fears about these movies have come true. They are neither good nor so bad they’re good (though they do contain relatively frequent, blessed, laughable moments). Bella Swan is a modern-day Helen of Troy, launching a war between vampires, and between werewolves and vampires. She causes two supernatural creatures to fight for her hand, and one sparkly, spineless vampire boy to question his sexual orientation.

WILL anything happen in this movie? WILL Edward man up and take Bella up on the half-dozen offers she’s given him? WILL Taylor Lautner win his war against the oppression of shirts once and for all?

Let’s see. I’m ready, let’s do it, it’s back on! Breaking Dawn, yeah!!! Here we go!

Do all of these movies open with Bella narrating?

Ohhhh!!! Oh my God. I cannot convey how hard I just laughed. 😀 😀 The opening shot of this movie is Lautner storming outside, into the rain, angrily. Throwing Bella’s wedding invitation down into the mud. LOL, he has his shirt on and I was about to write: SHIRT! when he ripped it off as if it was, truly, oppressing him. 😀 Ohhhhh god. 4 more hours, 4 more hours. Almost there.

Anyways. 1 minute in, Lautner, shirtless in the rain. Twilight in full effect. [Resume]

If I could be a big ass wolf like that, I would eat a cow. Just take that thing down and eat some ultra rare steak. The whole cow. Wash it down with some milk.

Ok. Wedding coming. These movies haven’t gotten to me yet, so they’re turning up the heat. You won’t break me you $&#%ing Cullens!!! Hahhhahaha Wow. Ok, that was a little loopy. Maybe I should take a break, sit a couple of plays out.

“I’ve been waiting a century to marry you Miss Swan” – Edward

“I’ve been sitting through your bullshit for a century, Edward” – Fogs

So Edward gives us a flashback about when he used to eat people. But of course, they were all murderers. So little girls can still love him, it’s ok, he only ate bad guys. It’s still a warning to Bella about turning, but has Bella listened once to any of the 10,000 warnings that people have given her about turning? Once? I hope when she does it freaks her out and she turns into a soulless, raving, fiend.

The Cullens are taking Edward out for his bachelor party. Bella asks “will there be strippers there?” I think, “besides him?”

Wedding scene, but I’m not fooled. Dream sequence! Ohhhh no, so much blood! I’m marrying a vampire! You know what I want? I want Kirsten Dunst’s little vampire girl from “Interview With the Vampire” to show up at the wedding and just start screaming and jumping around like a spider monkey and biting people’s necks and blood spurting everywhere. That would be awesome.

Good god, how do you make Twilight worse? Make it a wedding movie. Oh, flowers and white and piano… Awwww. I haven’t seen so many flowers since the “Steel Magnolias” wedding scene when I was still doing “Chick Flick City” posts. 🙄

*Sniff* It’s SO Beautiful!! Oh. My. *Sniff* Ohhhhh… They’re SO happy. She’s so pretty! Aww, when they kiss, everyone goes away! Awwww.

LOL. I want Alan from the Hangover movies to make a toast right now. That’d be awesome.

Hey, what’s Maggie Grace doing here? The Captain has now turned on the “Make ‘Taken’ jokes at will” sign. “I don’t know who you are, or what you want. But I do have a particular set of skills. And if you sparkle, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

Worst toasts ever.

Seriously, this wedding scene is twenty minutes long. Now Eddie is at the mic, making a mopey toast. Is he cocked? Can Vampires get drunk? Why not, right, they’ve thrown all the other Vampire rules out the window. Eddie brings Bella out into the woods so that she can dance with Jacob in private. Seriously, Bella’s going to find out Ed’s a woman later on. Meanwhile Bella cries while dancing with Jacob (shirted, for the wedding) because she realizes she not be able to string him along anymore.

Jacob goes off on Bella when he realizes she and Ed intend to conjugate their vows while she’s still human. Apparently everyone seems to think it’ll be fatal. From what I’ve seen of Ed over three movies though, I don’t think she’s in any danger. LOL!! 😀

Oh, God, has it already been three movies? I take a quick break to refill my water and I do NOT want to hit play again. Seriously, I am Frodo carrying the ring to Mordor right now, my remote weighs 75 pounds.

Ok, $&#% it, play. Oh… Bella. More Bella.

So Edward is taking Bella on a secret honeymoon I guess. Is that the deal? Rio de Janeiro, huh? Wish I was watching “Moonraker” right now instead. That’s set in Rio. Or “The Incredible Hulk”, that has a Rio scene, right? Or “Blame it On Rio”. Or just “Rio”. Annnnny other Rio would do.

Meanwhile, Bella’s prepping up for the deed like I’ve never seen. She threw herself at this guy last movie, and now that they’re married, she’s all nervous? Oh good grief, they’re both all naked in the ocean in the moonlight, LOL. 🙄 So they’re having at it and Edward breaks the headboard, LOL. With his hands. I don’t think that’s what that saying means. We get a love scene PLUS a Bella looking back fondly scene.

Apparently, during sex, Bella got a little bruised up. Edward sees and gets all mopey and sensitive on us again. “Bella I can’t tell you how sorry I am”. Someone needs to explain SO many things to this guy. Bella, at least gets pissed at him for putting his skirt back on. SHE had a good time at least.

Honeymoon montage as Bella tries to coax Edward into a repeat performance, but just because they’re married and have done it once doesn’t mean Eddy’s done being a wuss.

Ok, so, now can we turn her, and get all of that out of the way? Please?

Cut to Jacob with his clan, on the beach. Oddly, on the beach, he has his shirt on. Apparently he finds no support for wanting to kill Edward Cullen. I’d sign that petition though.

Ok. Halfway through breaking Dawn Pt 1 and we’ve had a wedding, a honeymoon, and now I think Bella’s preggers. Good times. Love this “Saga”. Still three hours left, too. Yup. Preggers. Yet another vampire rule rewritten. Pretty sure that prior to this, vampires were shooting blanks. Anyways, I know she has the baby. So… Is the rest of this movie a maternity movie? What kind of shower gifts do you get for a little baby vampire?

Jokes aside though, seriously, is that what the rest of this movie is? A pregnancy drama? There’s an hour left… No Voltuni or whatever? The DRAma is killing me.

Lautner pulls up angrily to Cullen HQ. Shirt AND jacket on, he must be dying… Apparently being vampire preggers is hyper quick, cause Bella’s already got the Hippo belly going on, and she’s got bruises from being kicked. In the book, the baby kills her, how cool would that be? Lol. Hollywood. Whimping out. Anyways. Drama. Vampire mama drama.

So is this whole thing an extended After School Special about teen pregnancy, or what?

God bless Lautner, he’s trying to act. Stewart too. It’s kind of like the inverse of the famous scene in Godfather II, he’s trying to convince her to abort, with really bad acting instead of great.

Wow. Shittily stylized, awfully directed scene of angry Werewolf-form Jake running through the woods! Ahwoooo… Ah Ah Ahwoooo… So the werewolf tribe decides Bella and Baby Bloodsucker must die. But Jacob resists, out-growling the alpha wolf. He still can’t hurt Bella though, so he leaves the pack to go warn the Cullens.

After this, if I never see another actor/actress in contacts, it’ll still be too soon.

Now there’s all this drama about Jacob forming his own pack and whatnot, blah blah blah… I’m losing focus people. Like I’ve been bitten and the life is draining out of me…

The Cullens have a nice crib. Too bad they suck.

LOL. Sickly Bella! The baby is sucking all the life out of her… I think grey E.T. looked healthier than she does. They were going to turn Bella anyways, can someone tell me why they haven’t turned her yet? Oh for Gods sake, who cares anyways? They just wanted more $&#%ing Bella drama.

Bella needs to drink a glass of Blood in order to stay alive. Better get used to it if you wanna be a Vampire, sweetie, drink up! She likes it. Hey Mikey, she likes it!

I can’t believe there’s a half an hour more to this movie. It’s like getting dragged down a flight of stairs, only to find the bottom was just a landing, and you get turned and dragged down another flight…

Edward is using his mind reading powers to tell Bella the baby loves her, like a telepathic vampire ultrasound. Can you read my mind Ed? You putz… Someone shoot me.

Bella has drunk the blood dry, so the vamps need to go out hunting. Will something actually happen in this movie aside from baby drama? Jacob distracts his former pack so that the Cullens can slip through the perimeter.

Damn, this movie is awful. I’m actually debating whether it would have beat “Bucky Larson” for worst movie of 2011 if I had watched it when it was in theatres. Now that’s bad.

LOL… Maybe. Cause this scene is UNGODLY bad. Bella is happily talking baby names, when she crumples to the ground, and the birth is on. A caesarean is required but Ed has to do it with his teeth, and Bella’s screaming, and after they get the baby, she dies, with Jake and Edward trying to bring her back… It’s SO bad. They should have left it here though… I know they bring her back, and that’s such a cop-out right now, lol.

Edward’s still working the CPR though, and starts biting her everywhere, and here we go! What a terrible special effects sequence for her turning! The whole “bloodstream point of view” thing.

Here comes vengeful Jake, will he kill the baby? Nope. Montage of sunlight, as he imprints on her instead. LOL. Now baby vampire’s got a werewolf guard dog. I’d make jokes about him finally finding a girl to get over Bella, and its her BABY, but my soul has been sapped from my body by ten hours of %#&$ing “Twilight”

Werewolves vs vampires! Cheesy CGI in an all out brawl. Even the action scenes suck in these movies… though I’m still as grateful as a man dying of thirst who’s given a glass of water to get one. Jake comes out and yells at them to stop. As he growls down the Alpha Mutt again, Edward explains (somehow) that since Jake imprinted on the baby, she can’t be harmed by the pack now. How he’d know that, I don’t know. But I’ve quit giving a crap.

Here she comes, Miss Sunshine. Belle of the ball! Coming back as a vampire after being dead! Montage of every movie so far! Baby Bella! Cells changing! Her red eyes open annnnnnd… End.

God damn. That was awful. That was an awful, awful, painful &$#%ing movie. Good freaking lord, bad. Seriously. I am SO glad its over. No humor to be found, it was all about weddings and honeymoons and babies… good grief. Meanwhile, the “Sa-gah” is awful too. There’s no way this last part is any good.

Oh god. Ok. One more movie. Just one more. I may close shop for three weeks after this, but I am NOT quitting with only one movie left… NO. It may take til 1 am, but I’ll post the last write-up… eventually.


Daniel Fogarty

50 thoughts on “Too Much Twilight to Take?: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

  1. The least of the least. It’s all gravy from here. More silly “I love Yous Forever” . The fight at the end will get you to the end but don’t hold out for any redemption of the story because it ain’t coming my friend.

  2. Well, your review is good for some laughs. The “SHIRT!” bit near the beginning had me rolling.

    I’m rather dumbfounded that they had Edward perform a Caesarian section with his teeth. That’s a level of stupid that I hadn’t even imagined.

    • Glad the SHIRT bit came across. I literally had a fit of laughter at that moment. He shows up in his shirt, and I think Oh! He has his shirt on this time! And then he rips it off so angrily… I just lost it. LOL. Not worth watching unless you can find a youtube clip though…

  3. Favorite line so far: “I’ve been sitting through your bullshit for a century, Edward” – Fogs

    Please don’t bleed out, Eddie might be right outside your door!

  4. Dude, all you really need to write for this film was: Breaking Dawn Part 1 was so bad, it made me lose the ability to think, write and

    Sorry, what was I saying again?

    Seriously though, you’re one dedicated reviewer!!! Keep it up, my friend!!!

    • Thanks Rodney. Seriously, this one almost did make me lose the ability to think or write. I was limping across the finish line on this one, I wasnt having any fun with it, I just felt beat up by the badness. LOL 😮 I made it through though!

  5. FOGS! FOGS! FOGS! I am cheering for you now…so close!
    Again–I feel bad your suffering is providing such comedy gold!! Hey–if you have stop…I will understand–you’ve done enough… 😀

    • No, no. There was a honeymoon sequence and a “difficult pregnancy” act, too. Dont forget those! 🙄

      But yeah. Picture that “worst scene in a movie or tv show” that you’re thinking about, and stretch it out to a full length movie, and you have Breaking Dawn pt 1.

  6. Am I the only one picturing Fogs as Martin Sheen’s breakdown scene from Apocalypse Now?

    Breaking Dawn pt 1… shit; I’m still only Pt 1… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the blogosphere. When I was back on the homepage after the first 3 movies, it was worse. I’d had lunch up and there’d be nothing. I hardly said a word to my dog, . When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the Twilight. I’m here a week now… waiting for Bella… getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute sparkly vampires squat in the bush, they get stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.

    I wanted a saga, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service, and when it was over, I’d never want another… twlight saga that is…

    • LOL. I saw this comment last night when you posted it and I laughed my ass off. I was at a really low, drained kind of moment and it hit me as extra freaking funny. LOL

      You are NOT far off. At the end of this movie… which easily would have cracked my worst list in the year it was released, and I can envision many years in which it would have won… I was beat down. I was pretty close to pulling a “Sheen gets drunk, does drunk karate, puches mirror, cuts hand” LOL

  7. This one is so far, the funniest of the series. I couldn’t help but laugh so hard at its attempt at drama and such. I wished it wouldn’t take itself so seriously and actually get campy. It would’ve been more enjoyable. It also taught me a lesson about filmmaking as far as using establishing second unit shots is concerned. Bill Condon and his 2nd unit team used too many of those location shots that became overkill.

    • Ohhhh, I dunno. It was the worst, but I wasnt laughing. I think it was – as you say – the fact that they didnt utilize any camp at all. They were so serious about Bella dying and whatnot. LOL 🙄 And it was SO bad.

      Meanwhile, I loved the location shots. They were a blessed break from Bella and her bullshit. Oh, look! Mountains! Hey! Trees! Then they’d go back to dying Bella, and I was like, aw, cmon!

  8. I went to see part 1 at the theater and left after 10 minutes. Couldn’t take the bad acting, lame dialogue or Jacob’s wig. I didn’t need to watch the entire series to know it sucked. lol.

    • Oh, it sucked alright. Does it make you feel any better to know that Lautner’s wig was actually one of my favorite parts? LOL. It was one of the funniest elements of the whole series, to me. 😀

      • I could not take the movie seriously as soon as he came on screen; and then the dialogue got even worse than his wig. I was with 2 friends and when Bella got on the phone with her mom and her mom is like “Were there any cute guys at your school?” my friends glared at each other, rolled our eyes and stood up simultaneously and walked out. lol. We walked into “Cadillac Records” which was actually really good. 🙂

  9. Didn’t see it. Don’t wanna see it. Can’t make me watch. Not even for a million dollars tax free per year. Well, maybe $10 million.

  10. “If I could be a big ass wolf like that, I would eat a cow. Just take that thing down and eat some ultra rare steak. The whole cow. Wash it down with some milk.”
    Haha best paragraph 😀

  11. Just died at the idea of the creepy kid from Interview with a vampire showing up at the wedding….too funny!

  12. “If I could be a big ass wolf like that, I would eat a cow. Just take that thing down and eat some ultra rare steak. The whole cow. Wash it down with some milk.”

    Where did that COME FROM? Don’t tell me these movies encouraged you to EAT. Seriously, though, you’re making me want to finish the saga and read your comments along the way, they’re priceless!! It would also give me another excuse to delay homework…

    • Oh yeah. If homework CAN be delayed, it SHOULD be delayed. That was always my motto.

      Of course, I’m the LAST person on earth anyone should take scholastic advice from, LOL.

      I got hungry at a couple of times, but I dont know… I think it was just… seeing those wolves, they were huge! I started thinking, I would go fight a bear, just cause. Then my next thought was, I’d eat a whole cow! 😀

      Whats the point of being a huge wolf if you cant have fun?!

  13. Food for thought:
    1. What do the vampires do when Ms. B hits the monthly rag?

    2. When Ms. B gets pregnant, what comes out those mosquito bite nipps? Does the baby drink blood or milk?

    3. Does Edward sparkle all over???? Do they show that in the sex scene.

    4. How come there are no black vampires? I believe in equality.

    5. If the vampires can run so damn fast, why do they drive luxury cars.

    6. In the old days, did the family hook up with one another? I always said if I was Edward I would be hooking up with the blond in the family.

    7. Do vampires still shit? I mean they are dead, if they do whats that all about? Like a big hairy shit, kinda of a turn off.

    8. Why do chicks scream when the wolf takes off his shirt before he transforms?

    9. Why would a wolf give a shit about taking off his shirt before he transformers? I mean is he a wolf with no money for clothes.

    10. Are there any beer drinking Irish wolves? I would be down for that, like a rival clan that just drinks all the time and goes around pissing on stuff…count me in!

    • Well, wow. Some of those questions are a little crass, Mike, but you have some decent ones too. Seeing as Twilight Vampires freak out at even the slightest hint of blood, I have to assume there’s a difference between menstrual blood and regular blood as far as they’re concerned. I’m GLAD they didnt answer “Does Edward Sparkle all over” 😯 You may believe in equality, but Twilight vampires do not. They’re racists. Chicks scream for Taylor Lautner is my presumption… I assume that transforming would rip their shirts, so they dont want to have to keep buying them, that’s why they take them off or barely wear they them. Never seemed to bother them with their pants though for whatever reason. And I’m not sure there are Irish werewolves. Twilight seemed to kind of tie the wolves in with the Native American thing… not sure it would work in Ireland!

  14. “Anyways. Drama. Vampire mama drama.”
    “It’s kind of like the inverse of the famous scene in Godfather II, he’s trying to convince her to abort, with really bad acting instead of great”.
    “I’d make jokes about him finally finding a girl to get over Bella, and its her BABY, but my soul has been sapped from my body by ten hours of %#&$ing “Twilight”

    LOL. I think this is your best one.

  15. “The opening shot of this movie is Lautner storming outside, into the rain, angrily. Throwing Bella’s wedding invitation down into the mud. LOL, he has his shirt on and I was about to write: SHIRT! when he ripped it off as if it was, truly, oppressing him.”

    I remember seeing the film’s trailer and it opened with that scene. I laughed for three days straight.

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