Too Much Twilight to Take?: “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”

New MoonNew mooooon…
You saw me watching, alo– oh. Sorry.

RIGHT BACK INTO IT! Doubling down! That’s right. Bring it on “Twilight”!

Here’s Stewart’s poetic voiceover to begin “New Moon”:

“These violent delights have violent ends.
And in their triumph, die.
Like Fire and Powder, which, as they kiss, consume.”

Do you think that that bit of awfulness will deter me from forging head? Hell, no!

Read on!

We open with Bella, running through a crowd of red robed… Cardinals? then tripping out and seeing her grandmother and Edward in a field of flowers. The awfulness continues, runtime 2:30 and I have already deemed this movie as suckage. But wait! It’s not her Grandmother, it’s her! Gasp! Bella will grow old, while he won’t!

The Emo music is back. As it opened the first movie, I dug it, but now I’ve had two hours of it. I need some Ramones or something.

Eddie and RingTingALing are a high school thing now. Lautner shows up, he still has his hair. He offers Bella a dream catcher for her birthday and the love triangle in on. “Bella, you give me everything just by breathing”… 🙄 A couple of Cullen siblings show up in the school halls. I need to start naming these Cullens like dwarves. There’s giggly and creepy and mopey and Doc.

Good god, they have Edward reciting Romeo and Juliet now…

Edward explains the Volturi, a rival clan of vampires from Italy, in order that we get to have some period piece costumes in this drama. At least we get to see a vampire rip someone’s head off. That’s remotely vampire-esque.

“Bella, the only thing that can hurt me is you” – Edward

“Edward, the only thing that can hurt me is more stupid lines like that” – Fogs

Bella, still begging to be changed. She’s a coke fiend waiting to happen, I’m telling you.

Birthday party, Cullen style!! Candles and Emo music!! Hell yeah!! Uh oh! Bella gets a paper cut and starts bleeding and they all start tweaking. Creepy Cullen charges her, wanting to get a taste. A fight breaks out in slo mo… So ridiculous. 😀

Ok, in this movie there’s a lot of talk about Vampires being damned, losing their soul, etc. Very existential for a creepy tween romance.

Bella and Eddie kiss at the end of her Birthday, but Ed tweaks out again when he gets too excited by kissing her. He’s such a loser. He’s 107, and he acts like he’s never been with a chick before. WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! WHATS HAPPENING TO MY SPECIAL PURPOSE?

Meanwhile, I’m less afraid of these movies now then this mopey $&#%ing music. After ten hours of this dreary shit, I’m going to slit my wrists in the bathtub like Frankie Pentangeli.

Edward tells Bella the Cullens have to leave Forks, and he doesn’t want Bella to come. By my estimation, that’s 25 times over the course of two movies that he tells her to go away. Bella argues: “If this is about my soul, take it, I don’t want it without you!” Silly Bella, you can’t give away something you don’t have… Edward says goodbye though, and gives her the forehead kiss. Bella is left to tromp the forest calling “Edward? Edward?” At least she has plenty of sad music to keep her company.

The mopiness hits a new high once Ed blows town. Bella curls up in a ball, screams and cries. “It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest” The sad ass music shifts into an even higher gear, which I didn’t think was possible.

LOL! Ok, there it is though… That’s all I need is a little shot in the arm now and then. Walking home from the movies, Bella is beckoned by some thugs down the end of an alley. She sees Edward’s floating, disembodied head warning her against going down there! 😀 I need goofy shit like that to keep me going. That’s awesome. 😀 She gets on the back of a bike and takes off for a second. When she gets back she’s determined “if a rush of danger is what it takes to see him, then that’s what I’ll do”. That’s actually quite accurate to the girls I used to hang out with at that age.

She visits Lautner and his wig, and brings him a couple of junker dirt bikes to fix up. Together, they fix the bikes up and start getting Bella over her Undead Ex. I’m totally on Team Jacob at this point. He’s ten times a more normal guy. Much nicer. One day, he’ll get a haircut. Either that or take a job as a Geico caveman.

Ok. Will anything ever happen in this movie?

I am a big fan of ghostly Edward though. He’s a riot. “Bella… stop”. He shows up and tells her whenever she does dumb things. I need a ghostly Edward. He could have come to me before I announced this… “Fogs… stop”.

Lautner takes his shirt off. Cougars everywhere swoon. I’d gladly tolerate that again if I could see Bella header off her dirt bike into a rock one more time.

Alright, this is even worse than “Twilight”. They go to a movie called “Face Punch” that mocks action movies, but I would ten times rather watch that than this.

Jacob is making his bid. Bella wants no part. She needs him – as a friend. She starts pouring her heart out about how messed up she is. Jake sticks around though… “I won’t ever hurt you, I promise”. He’s still not getting anywhere though. He experiences a little burst of anger though at Bella’s wimpy friend that was with them. Was he about to turn? That would be cool. This movie has been nothing but rain and mopey music. Ok, well, and disembodied floating ghost heads. I like that part.

Lautner, shirtless again. And he cut the hair. $&#%! The unintentional comedy quotient going forward just dropped 20%. Jacob confronts her about the Cullens, shirtless, in a downpour, then HE sends her away too. LOL no one wants this chick around. Jacob is telling her he’s not a “good kid” anymore. Take it from someone who used to be “not a good kid”, you don’t tell girls that. Lol. Telling her you’re “not a good kid” is a sure sign you are “a good kid” Jacob. A real “not a good kid” has already scored with Bella on four or five occasions, ya wuss.

Did I miss this “Alice” Bella is writing to in her narration? LOL, maybe knowing who Alice is would make this all make sense… I’m pinning my hopes on that.

The endurance challenge aspect to this is rearing its head. It’s 1:30 in the afternoon. I’m only halfway through movie #2. My lunch break was woefully short. I have to keep up the pace here. I’m gonna be watching this dreck until midnight.

Sookie Bella gets threatened in the woods by a vampire bent on revenge for her involvement in he death of the vampire at the end of the last movie. We get to see the giant werewolves for the first time… They’re gigantic. I liked True Blood’s werewolves better. (#19 check mark in the True Blood column in the comparison checklist).

Lautner shows up at Bella’s later that night to apologize. Want to guess whether he has a shirt on or not? 😀 You guessed it! Nope! They have an angsty teen conversation about running away. Lautner doesn’t sparkle though, so he’s screwed.

Every time I check the runtime on this movie, it gets longer.

Apparently Lautner’s pack needs to go shirtless, too. Uh oh! CGI werewolf fight! Which cartoon critter will win? They cut away without showing, as Bella is driven away to werewolf HQ so she won’t have to see the fight. It’s quite anti-Cullen.

Jake and Bella have a heart to heart on the beach about the fact the Jake’s a werewolf, that he hunts vampires, that the non-Cullen vampires are out to kill her. You know, the usual teen romance stuff.

CGI werewolves hunt the red-headed vampire who’s out to get Bella. Lots of slo mo and mopey music as they chase through the woods. Bella contemplates suicide as Eddie the Guardian Ghost tries to talk her out of it. She jumps a the cliff into the ocean, but lives. Only to get pounded by the surf into a rock. That’s the second time this movie that she’s gotten wailed into a rock. Can I get a third?

Sadly, she’s rescued by a shirtless Lautner. The Saga continues. 😦 Whoa… breaking news! As he drives her home, he has his shirt ON! Of course, just like the last movie, he spends a lot of time telling her how dangerous it is for her to be around him, cause he’s a werewolf. Good God, don’t these guys ever want to get some? Dude, you don’t do that…

The Cullens show up at Bella’s house. Ok, so Ashley Greene is “Alice”. Still doesn’t make sense, I didn’t know she and Bella were so tight. Jacob and Fortune Teller Cullen snip at each other, cause, you know they’re werewolves and vampires. Is this what this whole saga about? Making a huge fuss over this teenaged girl? No wonder tween girls love this shit.

Jake and Bella almost kiss, but the phone rings. Just like last movie they’re going to string that kiss out…

So, apparently Edward thinks Bella committed suicide and is going to kill himself by… Visiting the Italian Vampires. I’m a little shaky, I’m sure it’ll clear up. Bella just hops on an international flight, no biggie. Edward gets refused by the Volturi though… Still don’t quite know what it all means, but Bella and Alice are ripping towards the city in a stolen sports car. Edward is planning to reveal himself as a vampire to humans, who just happen to be celebrating St Marco’s day, which commemorates the expulsion of vampires from the city, conveniently enough. That will make the vampire council kill him, I guess? Kinda makes sense I suppose. People read these books? They must be garbage…

Oh Bella! You’re so worried as you run to him! LOL, everything is Italian and Red…all these monk looking people. Here comes Edward, taking his shirt off heading out into the sun, Bella’s all splashing through the fountain and determined looking in slow motion. Heh! Ok, this is worth the price of admission, lol. The drama! Go to him Bella! You must save him!

Let me go on… As I sparkle in the sun… Let me go onnnnn.. Bel-la, I know you’re the one!

[Guitar plunking]

Tearful reunion. Sniff! God, they love each other so much! “I just couldn’t live in a world where you don’t exist” “It doesn’t make sense for you to love me!” VIOLINS! Kissing!

Uh oh, though, they’re in trouble with the High Council, and they’ve brought in Dakota Fanning to bring them to Lord Elrond. Apparently all those people in red didn’t drive out the vampires too well. The Volturi start preening and making a fuss over Bella, too, like everyone else in this %$#@ing Saga. Supposedly the chief mind reader vampire can’t read Bella’s empty thoughts either. So that’s why they cast KStew…

Good grief, this is rough. 6 more hours of this shit? What the $&#% was I thinking?

Apparently Bella is immune to vampire powers. Except sparkling, which gets her all horny. LOL, Vampire Fiiiiiiiiiight! As the Volturi threaten Bella, Edward starts lashing out, and the special effects kick in. He can’t save her though. It’s Alice who saves the day by promising to turn her… Waitaminute… Sudden cut away to Eddie and Bella running though the Forrest, so happy! It was one of Alice’s visions. It persuades the Volturi to let them all go.

*Sigh* There’s still like a half an hour left to this $&#%ing movie…

Bella and Edward are having a heart to heart. Trading teen “you mean everything to me” talk… It reminds me of Rat and Stacy from “Fast Times”. They’re in a serious relationship, but still haven’t gone past first base. 🙄

Edward refuses to turn her, so she asks the Cullens to vote. They vote yes, but somehow it doesn’t happen. A shirtless angry Jacob confronts Edward instead. Edward is immune to the glowering though, and thanks him instead. Honestly, does anything ever happen in this movie? Apparently, if the Cullens bite Bella, it ends the truce between them and he werewolves. So I’ve got that to look forward to I guess. Bella gives Jacob the I choose him speech, and Lautner pulls a hamstring, trying to act sad. The two supernatural creatures square off against each other briefly, but Bella breaks it up. After Jacob runs off, Edward asks Bella to give him three years. And to marry him.

Oh! Cut to credits, the end! How dramatic!

Ok. Two down, three to go. I’;m not gonna lie, I already feel it. That movie was a sludge to get through. Basically the whole thing is a huge romantic pining for Bella, a girl who has less going on than any fictional figure I can think of. Seriously, she’s vapid and emptier that my cupboards in college. “Dude, do we have any Spaghettios left?” NO. And Bella doesnt either, there’s just nothing there.

*Sigh* Ok. Onward! Lets do this. I’m heading right in to the next one. Let’s go! Eclipse! Bring it! You got nothing, Bella, I dont sweat you…

New M HUU.

Daniel Fogarty

57 thoughts on “Too Much Twilight to Take?: “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”

  1. Dude….it’s making me sick just reading about watching this….it also kinda worries me that so many young girls, and their very strange moms watch this and read it. Sigh.

  2. Oh man reading this It reminds me back to high school where girls would call me to have me come come over, just to talk about some other guy they liked. Jacob is such the foot-matt

  3. “I’m going to slit my wrists in the bathtub like Frankie Pentangeli.”

    You know, the marketing executives could use this. I can see the ad now…

    “In his review for New Moon, Daniel Fogarty echoes The Godfather Part Two.”

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