Purchase! (Thankfully, my cable company is offering these cheaply, I don’t even have to buy any DVDs)
Here we go… Twiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiight!
We open in the Endor forests with a deer running for its life. Bella’s got this mopey voiceover goin’ on about leaving home and going to stay with her Dad in Washington. Her Dad is the Chief of Police in the town, of course. That’ll facilitate something later, trust me.
Digging this Emo music they got here.
Wow! Check out Lautner’s long hair wig, nice! It really brings out his forehead…
Bella’s greeted by a sober Jeff Chang. Jeff, where’s your bear? I ask. Anna Kendrick shows up though, what’s up with that? I didn’t think they allowed people who can act in this movie.
Lol! The Cullens show up in a pack, looking broody and dressed like a Japanese boy band. If they’re Vampires, wtf are they doing out in the day? Uh, actually, if they’re vampires, wtf are they doing in high school? We’ll find out soon, I guess, seeing as Edward and Bella just got made lab partners. We all know how that always winds up. Why did I never hook up with any of my lab partners? I feel ripped off.
Anyways Ed throws a hissy fit for no reason, storms out of class, and starts blowing off school. Bella broods and blames herself. There’s an implied vampire attack… That showed less than any vampire attack than any vampire attack in movie history… Ok, there he is. Eddy’s back. Eddieeeeee… He’s a little pale, this guy. He and Bella start bonding as the bad acting begins. These two are the dorkiest couple I’ve ever seen. Stilted and halting conversations… Eddie looks like he’s in pain…
And there it is! Big Ed supermans an out of control van that was about to sideswipe Bella. No going back after that! He just stiff armed a large motor vehicle. Can’t just blow that off. Sure enough, they talk it out… but he dodges the truth. She lets him off the hook 🙄
Wow, Stewart’s really a bad actress. How’d she land this gig?
I haven’t even seen Lautner more than a second, and I’m already on team Jacob. Edward’s creepy. Like if my sister brought this guy home, I’d be like… What are you, on heroin?
I’m grateful for blogging this, if I just watching it straight up, I’d be pulling my hair out already. “What if I’m not the hero… What if I’m the bad guy…” “You’re not, you’re wearing a mask” I swear, my eyes are going to roll out of my head by the end of the day 🙄
Lautner’s back and telling a story about the Cullens and his tribe, the Quileutes. Werewolves vs vampires, what is this, “Underworld”?
This movie sucks so bad. They’re prom dress shopping right now. There are vampires and werewolves in this at some $&#%ing point, right?
Uh oh. Bella gets accosted by a gang of punks! Twitchy Eddie to the rescue! Things are getting exciting now! Awkwardness abounds as Ed turns on the charm for Bella’s friends. Is this how this whole series is gonna be? Awkward teen romantic angst? I’m actually rooting for some sparkling or something. Bella confronts Ed about stalking her, and then the telepathy talk begins. Ed can read every mind in the room except Bella’s. Apparently she’s thoughtless? Empty? I’m suddenly thinking KStew was perfectly cast. I prefer True Blood for Vampire/un-mindreadable women romances though.
Seriously, this movie just seems to be about brooding teens… I’m so bored. Do something dumb at least, geez. Apparently Vampires are killing people, but they don’t show anything though. Bella DOES read a spooky book old book she bought though, and learns the Cullens are Vampyre!!! Oooooh…
She and he go out to the woods for the big reveal. Hahaha!!! Now the funny starts… After Brooding Bella confronts Itchy Eddie – “You don’t go out in the sunlight, you don’t eat, you’re always stinking of weed and cigaret–” ok, wait, that’s what my girlfriends used to tell me. Anyways, she figures it out, and he carries her up the mountain, superspeed to show her what he looks like in sunlight… And then…
We have Sparkles!!! LOL!! I don’t know what’s funnier, the $&#%ing stripper glitter vampire, or the angsty dialogue. Bella: “You’re beautiful…” Eddie: “Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella. I’m a killer.” LOL. This is good stuff. I think I strained an oblique muscle laughing at that line. Now he’s running around, ripping up trees, trying to scare Bella off. She doesn’t care. Apparently, the Cullens only eat animals, but Eddie can’t resist Bella, he wants to eat her. He even uses the phrase “personal brand of heroin” (see? I knew he was a $&%#ing junkie). Is Bella scared? Nope, she wants it.
Oh god, the weepy romance attacks suddenly! We have flowers and acoustic guitars and laying with their heads together and whirling cameras… and SPARKLES!!
Good god, shoot me now.
Oh god, I’ve gotta get my feet under me. [Pause] This movie is killing me, and then cracking me up. I can’t find my balance. After the terrible romantic end to the woods reveal scene, Bella has a hysterical voice over that absolutely cracks me up. Something about he wants to drink my blood, but I love him anyways. LOL
The acting is SO bad.
“My family, we think of ourselves as vegetarians, because we only survive on the blood of animals” – someone needs to buy the Cullens a dictionary.
So much gobbledygook coming at me right now I can’t keep up. Ed gives his family backstory, and sets vampire rules, it’s all patently ridiculous.
Family dinner at the Cullens, as everyone tries to resist slaughtering her. I kind of wish they would though. This movie needs a good evisceration. Ed gets Bella up to his room, is playing weepy music, puts on the slowest moves I’ve ever seen, gets nowhere, then starts flying around out in the woods and climbing trees with Bella on his back. They try to kill me with slow music. I resist. Oh wait, it’s Eddie playing it on a piano in a foggy room. They haven’t even kissed yet… Ed. Dude. She wants you, just do it, will ya?
Meanwhile, the Vampire murder mystery slowly goes nowhere, too.
The Vampire rules twilight breaks: Sun doesn’t destroy Vampires, they don’t sleep, and they don’t need to be invited in to a house.
I was just typing “at least these two are getting it on now” when Eddie tweaks out and stops and instead, they talk through the night. Seriously. This is how you know this is aimed for twelve-year olds. Cause that’s just… ridiculous. Vampires must get castrated in the Twilight universe, too, because Ed has no balls.
See though? Just when I hate on it, it gives me a vampire baseball game (seriously) in a thunderstorm, with huge home run shots being chased after by zippy vampire outfielders. LOL Uh oh, the game is broken up by a rival clan!! LOL VAMPIRE RUMBLE!!! 😀 $&%#! Nope. They all just make West Side Story poses and make hissy faces at each other. God this movie sucks.
Anyways, supposedly, one of the evil vampires picked up Bella’s scent and wants her blood now. He’s a hunter, and starts hunting her. She’s got to go on the run. Dutch angles, green tinting and weepy piano music kick in as she tells her dad she’s leaving. The Cullens all rally around to protect her. Apparently this is the home stretch, the big finale. It’s funny to watch all these vampires running quick speed, then the movie kicking into slo mo.
Evil vampire threatens Bella’s parents to get at her, even though there are thousands of other people to eat, I don’t really get it. He calls Bella to a private meeting, and she goes, leaving the Cullen Protection Program. Bella is still thinking of Edward as she heads to her death, how romantic. God this is dumb. The Vampire is video taping her as he… relishes his meal to come. But no! Edward shows up for a throw down! The two whiz back and forth throwing each other around and snarling. Edward triumphs, but Bella’s been bitten! Edward has to suck the “venom” out of her blood, but find the strength to stop sucking the blood out of her before he kills her! A montage kicks in! A voice over too! “Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder” Bella, no!!
Nope, Bella lives. Edward tells Bella she has to go away from him though. It’s too dangerous for her. Bella protests, bringing all of her bad acting into play, and she convinces him to let her stay. We close with him… wait for it… taking her to the prom. The two dance in a gazebo lined with white string lights. I vomit slightly, but its ok, I’m alright now. Bella talks “why don’t I become a vampire” for the first time. This is a junkie movie in disguise… that’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve seen girls doing that “I could try it” schtick before. Ed sissies out on turning her though. 🙄
“No one will surrender tonight. But I won’t give in. I know what I want”.
Ok, well, there we go. One movie down. The “so bad it’s good” moments were faaaaar between, but I made it. I’ve fulfilled my teen angst quotient for about 8 years.
One down… Oh, God. Four to go.