Alright everyone… Our final acting MAJOR Award of 2012, the Leg Lamp for Best Actress. The actress in a leading role who submitted the best performance of the year!
The nominees are: Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”, Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”, Helen Mirren, “Hitchcock”, Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”, and Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”.
Click through to see which of these phenomenal actresses takes the title!
Drum roll please. I proudly present to you the Best Actress Nominees for the 2012 MAJOR Awards! These are the five actresses who made the biggest impression in a starring role this year!
Click through to see who the nominees are!
“The Impossible” is based on the true story of one family’s experience during the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004.
It was one of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history. Over 230,000 people lost their lives.
This film will place you squarely in the center of that event.
Ok, boys and girls. The Holiday Season is over… and the Spring Season, full of mini Blockbusters, is still months away.
Between now and then lies Hollywood’s dumping ground. The Hollywood fields lie fallow in the winter, bearing little quality product. It’s the two months of the year we need to “Get through”. While January typically offers some limited releases from the prior year going wide, there’s typically little else to get excited over.
Will this year be different? Are there any movies to get excited about these next two months? Let’s take a look at the release slate and see what we’ve got!
Ok, ok, ok, ok…. are you ready? Listenlistenlisten…
Snkkt. Snkkkt. Pbbbt… This is good. This is good.
I have the greatest gag in the world. I’m not even kidding. Real Ken Kesey level, Andy Kaufman, Project Mayhem type shit here. Are you ready? Listen.
Skkkhhht. LOL 😀 No seriously…
Go to Walmart or Target. Ok? Or a bike shop or a toy store or someplace ok? And buy… LOL… wait. No, wait. 😀 Buy A TRICYCLE HORN. Ok? With me? You know. A tricycle horn. Little ball at the end, you squeak it, you know the thing I mean.
And then smuggle that thing in with you to this movie, ok? Sneak that %$@#er right in. I’m not even kidding, this is BRILLIANT, ok? You OWE me if you do this. I may do this myself for real. Really, If I could stomach sitting through this &#%$ing movie again I would do this, it would kill. SO FUNNY.
Take the trike horn in with you and wait. Don’t worry, there will be PLENTY of chances. WAIT FOR IT. Ok? Give it like three quarters of the movie so that the audience is sitting with their head tilted sideways, depressed, thinking to themselves “Oh God, just @&%#ing shoot me now” (and they will) and then wait until there’s a super dramatic, over written, didactic, unscored, melodramatic, pompous, staid, heavy-handed “Moment” line with a really hyper-dramatic overbearing PAUSE right afterwards. Ok?
Right then.
There is no way in this physical universe whatsoever that you do not absolutely destroy an entire crowd of people with gut wrenching laughter. You may have victims. People may die. But you would just SLAY. Ok? SLAY.People would laugh for twenty minutes straight, I am not kidding. Tears in their eyes, side-splitting, trouble stopping, full-bore belly laughing. MASS HYSTERIA. You would be the funniest person ever.
I am honestly considering doing this, I think it would be the funniest thing ever in the history of the face of the planet. For real.
September has a reputation for being a Hollywood dumping ground.
And yet, THIS September, I’ve felt like Ralphie’s teacher during the daydream sequence of “A Christmas Story”, skipping around the room, joyously handing out A++++++s to every movie that came along. “Contagion”, “Drive”, “Moneyball”, “50/50”. All scored grades in the A range with me. It’s literally been a month since I handed out a grade less than an A-. And it’s not just me, the lowest Rotten Tomatoes score in that bunch is an 84 (“Contagion”). The other three are all in the 90s.
So I’d like to begin by thanking “Dream House” for restoring some sense of normalcy to my Hollywood calendar.
By not being very good.
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